Perdre L'espoir

~Thursday, November 28, 2002~
Relative

There is no absolute truths in the world, no matter how we define things its always relative.
Thus what ever truths we think we know or we express or tell others its always just relative to the better/truer version or even the correct one. Everything is relative.

Shin neko was reborn @ 01:29 a.m.

~Tuesday, November 26, 2002~
He bi tai ren zhen

Yes why should I take things to heart so much?
Why should I even care about others?
Annoyed and worn out. Fed up.

From now on, tis just me, myself and I in the gold, silver and bronze positions in life! No more having to consider other people before me. No more playing the sympathetic listener. No more miss nice neko.

Shin neko was reborn @ 02:08 a.m.

~Saturday, November 16, 2002~
Someday

Some nights you just don't seem to be able to get to the point of cheerfulness. Well I'm experiencing one of those. Even worse actually.

Is "reading" a person wrong? You make assumptions about things all the time, e.g. life! It's only natural when psychologically you learn to do that about people and then relearn as you get to know them... sometimes I guess you get it wrong and have to readjust. It's not that I don't know this, it's just the last readjustment came as a shock that's kinda thrown me off things. And mood deteriorated a bit.

Shin neko was reborn @ 01:54 a.m.

~Monday, October 28, 2002~

how would you commit suicide?
YOU WOULD HANG YOURSELF. you both crave and fear death. you're fairly certain that you wouldn't actually commit suicide, but you often fantasize about it because you can't think of any other way to escape living a life that you hate. you're wary about doing anything irreversible and you have a healthy awareness of the repercussions of your actions.

I couldn't help doing this quiz. I think hanging is more traditional way of doing it. *Shrug* Chinese women have been using this method (with a white silk sash) for ages...

Shin neko was reborn @ 01:19 a.m.

~Friday, October 18, 2002~
Frustration

I don't know what is wrong. BUT something definitely is. I cannot believe/understand the mood I'm in today.
*looks at horoscopes*
You may need to take some time to sit by yourself today, dear Virgo, in order to resolve some of the inner conflict that plagues you at this time. It is possible that you are feeling the strain of not knowing when to be aggressive and take action, and when to just lay back and simply let things happen. Indeed, there is a delicate balance that must be maintained between active and passive actions in order to keep things running smoothly in your life.

I just wish I knew which action to take. I'm angry, frustrated, annoyed, for several reasons. None of them seem enough to get me into this present state.
Can't seem to focus on the more positive stuff in my life these days. And IF I hear another person telling me it's all the stress getting to me I'll really get stressed out! I swear ppl contribute most bad humours to stress these days, more than they really should.

Need to just be able to focus on something, anything... that won't make me tear up inside.

Shin neko was reborn @ 10:38 p.m.

~Thursday, October 17, 2002~
Lathargy

I don't even think that's a word!
Anyway, feeling like... shit. Generally I think it's the weather. The way the wet wind weedles its way through every imaginable pore of your clothing and curls its invisible fingers around your arms, ankles, neck...
Jeeze sound like some teenage horror movie heh?

Don't know why, but the day has just generally been... average and well got worse in the afternoon... feel so... not up to doing anything, yet I know there's so much that has to get done. It's days like this that I just want to curl up somewhere and sleep away life.

Shin neko was reborn @ 03:10 p.m.

~Monday, October 14, 2002~
Bewildered

I should install a tracker/counter that way I can track all the people who actually read this depressing repetoir of eloquent prose. Yes I'm being sarcastic!
Sincerely don't understand the popularity of this depressant blog. Meanwhile life goes on.

In a way I guess having this was to get noticed, but I don't think that was the aim. Since I don't rant or vent out to/at ppl this is a harmless way of doing that. Those that read might not know anything about me but that makes it all the more irrelevant for them. Something impersonal to them, perhaps to give a passing glance.

Perhaps it is my fault that others don't know me 'well-enough'. Since they can blame the lack of initiative in communication from me. Then again are those out there really willing to listen? Not that I'm naming names or blaming ppl. It's just that does the time, place, people weren't right.

Shin neko was reborn @ 08:16 a.m.

~Saturday, October 12, 2002~
Want v.s. Need

Tend to believe that you're fine until the exact moment when you feel as if the little world you built has collapsed.

Well right now it's still semi-erect, much like a broken down old gothic church, with very little left of the original sanctity amongst the bones of the ruined realm where the soul resided.

After complaining/venting so much to FYH I finally realized that my feelings weren't really clarified by the lame efforts in communication which resulted in incoherent babble. The depressing questions still ended up concerning the truth of relationships between ppl, the wants vs. the needs, the defining characteristics of the individual personality and the incompatibility of that with others.

Is it easier to change yourself or is it easier to change others? The obvious answer is: it's easier to change yourself.
BUT the question it raises then is: If you changed yourself would you still be the person you want to be? Would you have changed because your behaviour is wrong or because you couldn't deal with situations and escapism from yourself was the only way?

What I want I can't have, what I have doesn't make me satisfied. What I need is also just a reflection of self-fulfillment yet again. The base of human need is greed. It's always I need..., I want...
As P said "It's all about you you you you" yes, it is. Nothing else on my mind but me. The obliviousliness to others whether on purpose or accidental is there all the same.

I could make everyone laugh out loud if I wished to, but why can't I feel happy? Define happiness? I have no right to complain, to feel sorry for myself, no right to take this tone, to feel this way, to act as if the world has wronged me.

A strong sense guilt permeates everything I think about. Every action, inaction is measured, remeasured, weighed out to see whether or not it merits the same sense of inadequacy that haunts me now. Self-recriminations, incomprehensible gabbled sentiments, inertia settles throughout my body. Locked into isolation by the same self that hopes to be free. This is my field of dreams. This is my prison. This is me.

Shin neko was reborn @ 02:49 a.m.

~Wednesday, June 12, 2002~
La verite

Few absolutely obvious sentiments:

The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is ourselves.

Enjoy the simple things. Remember - when you were young, that's all you could afford. When you were in college, that's all that you could afford. When you are on retirement, that is /still/ all that you can afford!

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Shin neko was reborn @ 10:01 p.m.

~Unknown~
Am I lost?

Why is it that i can break away the bonds of friendship so easily and not feel loss?
Why do i always break the bond of friendship? no its not true that i don't feel but more as if i am hurt, but i know its a necessity and thus i sustain myself through the pain with the pain.
The more pain i feel the more i realise what falsities friendships really are. How superficial the inter-relation between people truly are. There is no friendship that out lasts life. There is only periodical acqaintanceships, here one can know another only as much as one wishes to. It's never an unselfish choice. We are all motivated by the same monster within us. Loneliness.

Is it not a monster? It eats you up alive, corrodes away the central being of our souls, if only we had one. Such motivation, ever present, it drives us, it drives me.
It drives me to seek out others, share my time and self with them in order to feel completed, but ... i don't. I don't feel it, I don't feel complete. Have i not found the right one? This incompleteness, is it just my imagination?
Unknowingly produced as a means of justifying my actions yet again? Justify this fruitless search? a search for 'friendship', no, a search for companionship.

Sharing of thoughts, memories, self. Is that what we wish for? then after that how can we be individuals? even after sharing would the other(s) understand?
Of course not. No one being would ever be able to understand another, they can't accept a different existence from their own thus there is never true acceptance.
There is the denial of facts/actions that does not adhere to ones known to their own.

Never true acceptance.

Then if i know this why do i seek? what do i seek?

must i maintain superficial friendships that would never involve the actual sharing of 'souls'?
"to get through this life the only legacy that i can leave you with is:
to be able to survive you need to be able to withstand Loneliness"
Someone used to say that.
Emblazoned in my mind is the image of a solitary figure. But now i find that solitary figure isn't her.
It's me.

If you dont understand yourself how can you expect others to understand you?

i can't share my soul with another.

If you don't try to understand yourself how can you expect others to try?

should i change myself to be more easily acceptable?

What if you changed yourself and they still don't accept you? What will you do then?

does it matter? does it matter to you?

Shin neko was reborn @ Uknown